unfolding

I can't sleep. My mind is all over the place. I came online to make sure I was packaging up the correct order for a customer and then next thing I know I'm reading through all my emails, checking twitter, trying to find a quote I read somewhere on pinterest that I wanted to embroider for myself and then now I am just sitting here.

staring at my blog.

seeing what adjustments I need to make to the layout and... sigh

I don't care. 

I really am just passing time and avoiding the kitchen so I don't polish off another bag of Trader Joe's Kettle Corn.

or even worse all of the Cheese-Its Elsie picked out as her one special snack this week but hasn't eaten any which leaves me to do the dirty work.

Speaking of Elsie I just laid her in our bed to sleep for the night because she fell asleep in her bed before we put her pull-up on. I had intended on waking her up to take her potty and then put one on her, but seeing how I was lost in cyberspace while Micah was in the garage hammering away, she woke up crying because she had wet the bed. 

mommyfail.

Micah is hard at work in the garage building the boxes for our garden we are starting this weekend. 

I would love to say I'm stoked, but honestly my heart isn't in it as much as it was last year. It is a lot of hard work and after the vole debacle last season, I'm a little nervous. 

I have all these exciting embroidery ideas I want to stitch up for new items in the shop but I barely have time to  take a decent shower let alone embroider "new things" and by decent I mean not using a shower cap for the third day in a row because I don't have time to blow dry it and maybe a nice shave.

I never talk to any of my peeps on the phone. like ever. I miss my friends. and considering the closest is about an hour from me if I'm not keeping up on their instagram, twitter or Facebook I have no idea what's going on in their lives. this makes me sad

I have physical therapy 3X a week for a random back pain that stirred up a couple months back. I was at Disneyland one day and the next I couldn't get out of bed. after visiting the chiropractor and having x-rays and nerve testing done we saw there was some pretty severe damage going on with my back. we have no idea what started the problem but it has just gotten worse over the years creating a very crooked neck and spine and until I straighten the lower back portion through therapy and adjustments there is a permanent sciatic nerve being pinched and it is awful.

this whole ordeal makes me angry because like I told Micah "i don't have time for this"

I don't.

taking the babes to my therapy sessions that should last 30-45 mins tops end up turning into hour and a half sessions because I have to keep stopping to run after Vernon or stop him from pulling the Skeleton hanging in the corner to the ground. for the umpteenth time. 

I have hot tears every time I leave. all my energy is spent at these appointments and it's not even 11:00 in the morn by the time I get home.

my babies are so awesome. I love making memories and sharing in the sweetest of moments with them

with all the emotion and energy that goes into putting quality time in with them is well... exhausting. I haven't been able to wake up before them to get my quite time and devotions in since before my trip to New York.

(big sigh)

It's like with all of our traveling and busyness these past few weeks the babies haven't gotten back into their schedules and I'm literally crashing before five o'clock rolls around.

I no longer give Elsie her naps because as of late if she gets one then she's up til 10:00. and now Vernon is down to one nap.

with no nap time that means no quiet time for me. 

this past Wednesday was my first time back to my weekly woman's bible study in four weeks. I cried when I left. tears of joy. those women are beautiful and God filled my cup at that study.

he knows I'm struggling right now. 

with my insecurities

as a mom, wife, friend

he knows that the enemy is speaking lies to me because right now my flesh is weak and I feel like I'm treading on familiar waters

waters I worked so hard this past year to swim out of

I know when my heart needs to be in the Word more and when I need to stop where I'm at and make quiet time happen. so I can have more time with my God

I know that because my life is good great.

I have a God who loves me

a husband who is amazing

two beautiful babies

wonderful friends and family 

a shop that is continually receiving orders 

and yet

I'm not good enough. 

my patience was lost more than I'd like to admit with the babes this week- failure

I checked out helping with bed time a few nights because, "i'm just too tired Micah"- failure

I cried because both littles didn't stop crying for what seemed an hour- failure

then I cried for feeling so weak and helpless after the fact - failure

I cried for feeling "fat"- failure

I cried for feeling that way because I know I shouldn't- failure

I cried for not having any energy to carry on a conversation with Micah and asked if we could "just watch a netflix"- failure

I cried when I got home from Target realizing only after the very long shopping adventure I'd forgotten to buy the two most important things on the list- failure

and my list goes on...

these may seem like ridiculous lies I feed myself but there are so many more. so much worse.

but through these so called "failures" I remembered something. a quote 

"I had rather temporarily fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than temporarily succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail"-President Woodrow Wilson

I'll be honest. I didn't remember the exact quote but remembered it referenced in a past bible study I had done months back. I had to look up the quote online for the correct wording :)

then I went and dug up that same bible study I did months ago. One I saved while going through what was one of the darkest times of my life.

While reading through my notes I'm questioning 

how my mindset got so far off of what God sees in me and so much on what I think of me.

How did I get knocked off the course so easily? Why did I let one little thing get me sidetracked and take me down?

If you re-read this post you will notice that is just the problem. A lot of "I" and "Me"

I need less of me and more of Him

Rid me of myself Oh Lord and lead me unto you.

I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. Praise God for sending his perfect son to die for us that I may have life in him. Everlasting life. Even if I fall off course, struggle with hard things and have a difficult time overcoming them. It doesn't matter. God knows and understands my circumstances and isn't asking me to be perfect. He is asking me to Trust.

Trust him

To know that no matter whats going on around or in my life that He is working behind the scenes orchestrating events and people to help accomplish His purpose and will.

and that thought brings me much joy

My life is a work in progress. I need not to be so hard on myself for my shortcomings. I need to learn to except his Grace and move forward. Not stew in the lies of the things HE has already forgotten.

it's easier said than done, I will admit to that. There are times when I'm so on fire and want to be used for God's Glory that it consumes me to want to jump right in and share my story.

my heart

my hurts

my fears

my struggles

my weaknesses

and then I realize that it's just what I said 

"MY"

it's my story Lord. Who needs to know what I've dealt with

who needs to know what I've been going through 

They just need to know of your great Love and what you've already done for us
I'm just some girl whose gone through some hard things. I completely recognize that without you Lord I wouldn't have made it through those times but nevertheless it's my story.

This is where God has been speaking to me. nothing is mine. everything comes from Him. My story is His story, in a sense.
He knew of my every step I'd take before I even learned to walk. He knew the choices I'd make and will continue to make throughout my life. He knew the circumstances I would be in that would forever change the course of the life I dreamed for myself.
He knew that one day I would suffer greatly and that I would still be here to tell of it. We were created to bring Glory to Him. To Glorify God means to acknowledge His greatness and to give him honor by praising and worshiping him.

How can I acknowledge his greatness if I don't share of the great things he has done for me? 

I want to be used to Glorify Him
and hope that my hurts are the same as some of yours
my struggles are the same as some of yours
that God will be your refuge as he was and is mine

not sure when, but I can feel my story starting to unfold...