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I can't sleep. My mind is all over the place. I came online to make sure I was packaging up the correct order for a customer and then next thing I know I'm reading through all my emails, checking twitter, trying to find a quote I read somewhere on pinterest that I wanted to embroider for myself and then now I am just sitting here.

staring at my blog.
seeing what adjustments I need to make to the layout and... sigh
I don't care. 
I really am just passing time and avoiding the kitchen so I don't polish off another bag of Trader Joe's Kettle Corn.
or even worse all of the Cheese-Its Elsie picked out as her one special snack this week but hasn't eaten any which leaves me to do the dirty work.

Speaking of Elsie I just laid her in our bed to sleep for the night because she fell asleep in her bed before we put her pull-up on. I had intended on waking her up to take her potty and then put one on her, but seeing how I was lost in cyberspace while Micah was in the garage hammering away, she woke up crying because she had wet the bed. 

Micah is hard at work in the garage building the boxes for our garden we are starting this weekend. 
I would love to say I'm stoked, but honestly my heart isn't in it as much as it was last year. It is a lot of hard work and after the vole debacle last season, I'm a little nervous. 

I have all these exciting embroidery ideas I want to stitch up for new items in the shop but I barely have time to  take a decent shower let alone embroider "new things" and by decent I mean not using a shower cap for the third day in a row because I don't have time to blow dry it and maybe a nice shave.

I never talk to any of my peeps on the phone. like ever. I miss my friends. and considering the closest is about an hour from me if I'm not keeping up on their instagram, twitter or Facebook I have no idea what's going on in their lives. this makes me sad

I have physical therapy 3X a week for a random back pain that stirred up a couple months back. I was at Disneyland one day and the next I couldn't get out of bed. after visiting the chiropractor and having x-rays and nerve testing done we saw there was some pretty severe damage going on with my back. we have no idea what started the problem but it has just gotten worse over the years creating a very crooked neck and spine and until I straighten the lower back portion through therapy and adjustments there is a permanent sciatic nerve being pinched and it is awful.
this whole ordeal makes me angry because like I told Micah "i don't have time for this"

I don't.

taking the babes to my therapy sessions that should last 30-45 mins tops end up turning into hour and a half sessions because I have to keep stopping to run after Vernon or stop him from pulling the Skeleton hanging in the corner to the ground. for the umpteenth time. 
I have hot tears every time I leave. all my energy is spent at these appointments and it's not even 11:00 in the morn by the time I get home.

my babies are so awesome. I love making memories and sharing in the sweetest of moments with them

with all the emotion and energy that goes into putting quality time in with them is well... exhausting. I haven't been able to wake up before them to get my quite time and devotions in since before my trip to New York.
(big sigh)

It's like with all of our traveling and busyness these past few weeks the babies haven't gotten back into their schedules and I'm literally crashing before five o'clock rolls around.
I no longer give Elsie her naps because as of late if she gets one then she's up til 10:00. and now Vernon is down to one nap.
with no nap time that means no quiet time for me. 

this past Wednesday was my first time back to my weekly woman's bible study in four weeks. I cried when I left. tears of joy. those women are beautiful and God filled my cup at that study.
he knows I'm struggling right now. 
with my insecurities
as a mom, wife, friend

he knows that the enemy is speaking lies to me because right now my flesh is weak and I feel like I'm treading on familiar waters

waters I worked so hard this past year to swim out of

I know when my heart needs to be in the Word more and when I need to stop where I'm at and make quiet time happen. so I can have more time with my God

I know that because my life is good great.
I have a God who loves me
a husband who is amazing
two beautiful babies
wonderful friends and family 
a shop that is continually receiving orders 
and yet
I'm not good enough. 

my patience was lost more than I'd like to admit with the babes this week- failure
I checked out helping with bed time a few nights because, "i'm just too tired Micah"- failure
I cried because both littles didn't stop crying for what seemed an hour- failure
then I cried for feeling so weak and helpless after the fact - failure
I cried for feeling "fat"- failure
I cried for feeling that way because I know I shouldn't- failure
I cried for not having any energy to carry on a conversation with Micah and asked if we could "just watch a netflix"- failure
I cried when I got home from Target realizing only after the very long shopping adventure I'd forgotten to buy the two most important things on the list- failure
and my list goes on...

these may seem like ridiculous lies I feed myself but there are so many more. so much worse.

but through these so called "failures" I remembered something. a quote 
"I had rather temporarily fail in a cause that will ultimately succeed than temporarily succeed in a cause that will ultimately fail"-President Woodrow Wilson

I'll be honest. I didn't remember the exact quote but remembered it referenced in a past bible study I had done months back. I had to look up the quote online for the correct wording :)

then I went and dug up that same bible study I did months ago. One I saved while going through what was one of the darkest times of my life.
While reading through my notes I'm questioning 
how my mindset got so far off of what God sees in me and so much on what I think of me.

How did I get knocked off the course so easily? Why did I let one little thing get me sidetracked and take me down?
If you re-read this post you will notice that is just the problem. A lot of "I" and "Me"
I need less of me and more of Him

Rid me of myself Oh Lord and lead me unto you.

I'm not perfect, nor do I want to be. Praise God for sending his perfect son to die for us that I may have life in him. Everlasting life. Even if I fall off course, struggle with hard things and have a difficult time overcoming them. It doesn't matter. God knows and understands my circumstances and isn't asking me to be perfect. He is asking me to Trust.
Trust him
To know that no matter whats going on around or in my life that He is working behind the scenes orchestrating events and people to help accomplish His purpose and will.
and that thought brings me much joy

My life is a work in progress. I need not to be so hard on myself for my shortcomings. I need to learn to except his Grace and move forward. Not stew in the lies of the things HE has already forgotten.

it's easier said than done, I will admit to that. There are times when I'm so on fire and want to be used for God's Glory that it consumes me to want to jump right in and share my story.
my heart
my hurts
my fears
my struggles
my weaknesses
and then I realize that it's just what I said 
it's my story Lord. Who needs to know what I've dealt with
who needs to know what I've been going through 
They just need to know of your great Love and what you've already done for us
I'm just some girl whose gone through some hard things. I completely recognize that without you Lord I wouldn't have made it through those times but nevertheless it's my story.

This is where God has been speaking to me. nothing is mine. everything comes from Him. My story is His story, in a sense.
He knew of my every step I'd take before I even learned to walk. He knew the choices I'd make and will continue to make throughout my life. He knew the circumstances I would be in that would forever change the course of the life I dreamed for myself.
He knew that one day I would suffer greatly and that I would still be here to tell of it. We were created to bring Glory to Him. To Glorify God means to acknowledge His greatness and to give him honor by praising and worshiping him.
How can I acknowledge his greatness if I don't share of the great things he has done for me? 

I want to be used to Glorify Him
and hope that my hurts are the same as some of yours
my struggles are the same as some of yours
that God will be your refuge as he was and is mine

not sure when, but I can feel my story starting to unfold...


Aly @ mommie diaries said...

I feel like I could've written every last word here, Nat. I cry at the silliest things and then cry because I shouldn't have cried about such a silly thing. I totally get it. sometimes Im such an emotional mess I have no idea how I got there either. God has brought me through some really hard stuff too. I know what it feels like to hold on to it for myself and keep it a secret and then feel shame for not giving God glory where He's due, for everything He's done for me. I know how confusing that can be and how it sort of nags at you. and I know what it feels like to wonder how I came from daily intense time with Him while He was healing my shattered heart, to barely any time at all and feel such failure and shame over that. I totally understand everything you've just written and I'm thankful I'm not the only one. so thank you, from the deepest part of my heart, for being so brave and sharing this with us.

kaylee@life chasers said...

Wow. I'm sitting her weaping. I needed very word of this. This last week has been full of failures and major misses for me and has thrown me totally off. Normally I can pick myself right back up and have the joy of the Lord but it's just not happening this time and that is what has me the most frustrated. Thank you for your vulnerability. You sharing you heart is what's finally bringing me to me knees today. Thank the Lord that His mercies are new every morning!!

Lora said...

beautiful!! i love your heart for Jesus :)

Kasey March said...

Oh friend thank you for sharing what's on you're heart. I've admired you and your beautiful family. Your successful shop. And I've felt isolated and inadequate too many times.

Your bravery helps me feel less isolated. Let's both keep striving to be better selves.

Nicole Marie said...

You are sweet and I love your words. So inspirational.

Cassie @ Live.Laugh.L0ve. said...

Such a beautiful post. I believe crying is good for the soul, even if it's over something silly. Sometimes the littlest things bring me to tears, but once I have cried it out.. I somehow feel better. I don't know how to explain it other than that. So keep your head up in that area girl. :)

I love how openly you talk about God and your love for Jesus. It really is so beautiful and it's women like you who openly share their faith, that brings me closer to him. Thank you for being you!

The Ward Family said...

Nat, your hurts and struggles seem to be the same as mine these days. At times can be too much but as we continue to turn to Him we are unfolding into who he sees us becoming! Love you girl! Wish you lived here so we could chat. Maybe we could meet at the beach someday!

Kimberly Bonham said...

Beautiful post! I really loved reading this :)

I have been having really bad back problems for quite awhile now. Did you see a chiropractor to see what the problem was? I need to get it looked at before it gets worse.

monique said...

I am left speechless...I feel like you looked in my mind and wrote it all down. I have struggling with God...or more like fighting with Him. my life has been difficult as of late and instead of finding my strength in God I have been trying to do it all on my own and failing. sometimes I just wake up feeling like a failure because i woke up too late. thank you for being so honest and open and for sharing your heart and for reminding me that I"m not failiure and that i'm not alone.

Autumn said...

I just wanted to say thanks for being so real and honest. Life isn't always the way we would like it to be or the way others think it is. Often, you seem to put into words what I am feeling. Guess this is what the Lord needed me to "hear." Thanks Nat!

Christi said...

I have been in a major slump of selfishness and unhappiness lately, and the Lord must have known that I needed to hear these words from another mama who is going through the same things as me! I just found your blog for the first time, and this was exactly what I needed to hear! Thank you for sharing and encouraging. I'm so thankful for your words, and I'm praying for His blessings for you!

hannah singer said...

first visit here, and i thank you.
very encouraged today! xo

kristin said...

i have bookmarked your page because of your encouraging words during my time of struggles. i am walking through the trial of infertility and there are months i experience God's peace and then there are the bad days where I just want to scream how unhappy i am. God is working a good thing out in my and my life and i am truly grateful for the journey but I have grown weary.
We are all in this together and if your story could encourage another, I think it is worth sharing. God Bless! and someday...... when MY BLESSING comes, Ill be ordering a sweet embroidery from your shop :)

Cassi Brightforest said...

Such a good post. It is so easy to be trapped in the Satan's cycle of failure talk. Thanks for the reminder it's not about me.

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