Every now and then I think about things from my past and marvel at God's work through difficult times I had endured with my family growing up. There were times I sat with my mom in church instead of heading to the youth group and can remember always catching glimpses of her wiping away tears after each worship song or even just weeping while she worshiped. She worshiped through the pain. At the time I knew our life was hard and didn't think anything of it because I understood she was hurting but now as an adult can only imagine how those praises rang true to her heart or maybe spoke the words to God she couldn't speak as her heart hurt too much to even whisper her sorrows to Him. Looking back now with eyes of someone who has seen much more, someone who has experienced so much more, who has lost, gained, hurt and understands deep pain and pure joy in a new light can identify with her true heart of real worship to God. Plus now being a mother myself makes me well up with tears thinking how strong she was and how as a single mom raising her children through circumstances out of her control makes me have a deeper love and knowledge of my God who carried her through a difficult time and met her where she was at, daily.
You see, I cry during worship at church I'd say ninety percent of the time.
Yet I rarely have tissues on hand and I always wear mascara so you can only imagine the scene, smeary mascara mess, at church...always.
Just yesterday, when it was just me at church, without Micah, surrounded by hundreds of beautiful voices praising our King, without fail the tears came, but this time they flooded. My heart is so full right now during this season of my life yet it also hurts for many things. Things I've been dealing with internally and some openly with Micah. However, during this time of worship it wasn't sad or painful tears, but thankful tears. Thankful that I have such a wonderful God worthy of our praise. Thankful for his love, strength, wisdom, guidance but mostly His tender mercies. Through my thankful heart sprang tears of joy. The words rang true to my heart and met me where I was at.
After church when I was driving home, in a quiet car, by myself with the windows down and the warm California air racing past my face and through my hair I thought about worship and how I cry almost every time whether I'm hurting or not. Whether I'm going through something heavy or just having an incredible time of life.
"Why?", I thought.
Then the moment I thought it was the moment I already knew. It was true worship. My way of worship to my King.
Not even so long ago while going through a crazy difficult time, I experienced the aching soul true heart of worship. Like where you have no breath left to sing and a heart
that is aching, so all you can do is lift your arms with opened hands to
the one true great healer. Knowing that if you open your mouth to sing you'll become a blubbering mess. Yeah, it was that kind of worship. I learned through those times when I couldn't find words to pray that worship songs became my prayer, a prayer I couldn't even openly sing at times but were there in my heart and God not only understood but would reach down and touch my aching soul the most during those times.
As I praise and worship I try to remember who is at the heart of my worship. Even when there is no music, we praise and worship our awesome heavenly Father and His Son, Jesus.
I tear up when I see a ray of sunlight shine across my Elsie's face and in her beauty and innocence I see Him and worship. Or when Vernon's laughter fills the room, I not only beam with delight but well up with gladness and Praise God for such a beautiful soul in that boy.
I realized that I have gone through so much and God has brought me through all of it. So many reasons for my heart to sing and so during that worship time, he meets me where I'm at. When I'm joyful or sorrowful, hurting or happy, no matter the season, my emotional heart weeps through worship and finally after many years think it's time to invest in waterproof mascara because I don't think I will ever grow out of having a heart that desires to praise Him. He took my brokenness aside and made me beautiful in Him and because of that will forever sing through the tears.
Happy Monday friends, go and bless and be blessed today.