In Two days, Vernon will be Two.
It's not sitting well with me.
I know all us mamas have that twinge of anxiety with each passing year because it "went too fast" or a tug on our heart strings because "they are just getting so big" but it is more than that for me when it comes to my little man.
When I look through pictures of Elsie as a baby to present day I cry a lot. There are just so many good memories and sweet moments between her and I. Plus I can remember her "first" everything. First smile, word, crawling, step, fave food...everything.
Not so much with my little man.
You see when Vernon came into our lives my world had been flipped upside down and then right side back up, but only after some time. My life was, umm...well difficult to say the least. Vernon was NOT difficult, but me, my struggles and all my own issues were. And so the first year with him was all a blur. It went by way too fast as did this past year.
I realized when looking through pictures of Vernon this evening that there aren't many Him + I moments. There has been the occasional outing while Elsie was having a daddy daughter date or the slim chance that Elsie was napping and he was awake we'd have some sweet play time together but other than that, nothing.
I know that is just part of the package when you are a parent of multiples and even more so as your number grows in children, so I am going to make an extra effort from here on out for both Micah and I to take time to do one one ones with each of our babes. Even if just for fifteen minutes a day. I need that.
Last year I felt the same around his birthday and so I've come to acknowledge his birthday is bittersweet for me. Nothing about Vernon is bitter but his early arrival into our lives was during one of the roughest times of my life and so it stirs up all sorts of emotions for me. I know that Vernon drastically changed my life...for the better. So I am tender during this time, oh so tender. Like an open wound just waiting for the slightest thing to brush up against it only to start bleeding out again. So forgive me if you run into me this week and see hot tears streaming down my face and don't mind me if I sob into your shoulder without saying a word but leaving a snot stain as proof I was there. This time of year, I'm just extra sensitive, but in a good way.
Since Vernon, God has taken away many layers of the thick skin I tried so hard to keep on almost my entire life. He has not only removed so many ugly layers of my heart but restored so much of my soul. God used my children as little rays of sunlight to brighten a dreary and dark time and since having Vernon have found a new and ever growing faith in my never changing God.
And so you see I'm grateful, ever so grateful. My heart wells up and overflows for that little guy. He warms my soul, oh how he does.
So now I sit in a dim room with the bright glow of the monitor, staring at pictures of my sweet boy. The rest of my house is quiet and all I hear is what sounds like pennies being poured into a metal tin can as the rain hits the roof of my sunroom. In this moment I can't help but feel like my heart is going to burst as I stare at his baby photos, with tears streaming down my face all the while thinking I need to wake his sweet chubby cheeks up and rock him, just to hold him, to feel God's love and mercy through the warm skin of my sweet baby boy.
Did I mention Vernon will be two in two days?
Oh be still my heart.
If you want to read more deets of my journey with Vernon, last year I wrote about Vernon's crazy pregnancy here and leading up to his delivery here but you can skip straight to the day he was born here...