what you didn't see

I realized something today. Well, no that isn't true because I have thought of it often when it comes to this blog. I think about my little space on the web and the snippets I share about our life and the big portion of the everyday that I leave out. 
But today I received a sweet email from a reader and there was this particular line that read "I'm so blessed by you and your love for your babes and for sharing so much of yourself and including us all in your life's journey..."
I laughed. Not in a "I fooled you" sort of way to the gal who wrote me but in an "Okay Lord, I'm listening, you got me" kind of way. 

You see these last few weeks the Lord has been revealing lots of fun qualities I don't like about myself. You know, impatience, quick tongue and lack of self-discipline.
I knew I was under quite a bit of stress this past month as I prepared for my first boutique and so I did a lot more stitching and a lot less of everything else.
Less time cooking actual meals. (take-out was starting to become the youzhe)
Less time sitting and playing with the babes. (we were all in the same room, but I wasn't really there)
Less time catching up with Micah after each day (he'd watch a show, I'd stitch)
Less play dates and girl dates (I was too busy remember)
But worst of all- Less time with God. Less time in His word, less time in prayer.

And yet He didn't lay the smack down on me. I mean he totes could've. God should have been like "oh you want to re-prioritze your life so it better suits you and don't want to ask me what I think you should do, well fine you're not going to make one sale and you're going to regret making me and everything else come second in your life"
But no.
He is merciful. Kind. Loving and beyond gracious even when we don't deserve it.

He blessed me so much at that boutique and has continued to do so everyday since. What He did was lovingly guide me back to His word where I was able to see what He says I should be doing and how I should be living my day to day. It was in Titus 2:3-5. Go get your reading on after this post. 
but he also gave me this...Ephesians 4:29 "do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
You see, I have been crazy convicted by this scripture lately. 

At first I didn't know why. I'm not a gossiper (or try very hard not to talk ill of others) and have always saw this scripture as instruction towards others around us. You know, our friends, acquaintances, friends of friends, strangers we meet. But never did I put it into terms applicable to my children.

*gulp*

yeah, Lord you got me. Lately with all this hustle and bustle and not having my heart in full check before I start each day I have caught myself saying things like 
- WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!! (is what I barked at Vernon as I removed three rolls of toilet paper he shoved into the toilet)
- Don't you talk to your baby brother that way (as I'm reprimanding her in the exact same tone she just used)
- UUUGGGHHHHH! (yeah I was grunting in frustration over lots of things)

My list can go on and on and get worse and worse. 
How is my tone reflecting Christ to my sweet babes? I can't read them their devotions at breakfast and sing praise songs all day and then in between it all when the chaos starts just flip out on them. How does that build them up? How are they benefiting from the angry words streaming out of my lips.

Now please understand I am not screaming at them or being angry with them all day or stomping around wishing I wasn't a mama.It's not like that at all, but there are some ugly moments I wish I would've handled differently. I love these sweet beings with my whole everything. I have never wanted to be anything but a mama since I was a little girl (except those two years I swore I would be a veterinarian) but seriously, they are my life. So is Micah. And I realized that through the eyes of the blog it reflects just that, that they are my everything. And it is true so very true, they are my world, but within my world there are some changes of the heart that need to take place. 
I need to really work at slowing down. Waiting to speak even in the heat of the moment. I need to re-prioritize things in my day to day and care more about what these sweet beings think of me and how they view me rather than worry about the others just getting a peek of me through their computer screens. 
I have kind of gone off in a few directions in this post and that is because there is so much I am trying to work out in my own head. I am real. My blog reflects who I am. I blog about the good, bad and ugly but not always the worst. Because honestly this is a place I want to look back on in years to come and see all the memories and magical moments I shared with my favorites, but I also want to see it as a place where I once was and pray that I have grown so much and have learned so many new things that God has in store.

So what you didn't see this week in the midst of beach outings and shop updates was a heavy heart. One being softened and transformed. So today I just thought I'd share that with all of you. 

Happy Friday!

I'm linking up with Alissa over at Rags to Stitches for a Coffee Date today!