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This Mama's Heart

I haven't been able to pin exactly how differently I have felt in the past few weeks when it comes to these two sweet faces. While Micah was away in Switzerland and Baltimore this new bond between each of them kind of formed. It's not like Micah hasn't been away before when traveling for work or other endeavors but something was different this time around. 
I chalked it up to them both just being a bit older and so it's easier to be with them through our day to day routines, but I could feel it was something more. 
In the last couple of months I have seen more of myself through each of them and after learning Elsie is highly sensitive I felt like I relate to her on a much deeper level than I did before.
I have always been an emotional person. I feel deeply and am moved easily by music, movies, loving words or am wounded by harshness, ugly tones and hurtful things more easily than others. As is Elsie. 
I used to see this characteristic of feeling deeply and being emotional as a weakness but have learned as I've grown into adulthood and have watched my children grow, that being highly sensitive, having an openness to feel for others is one of my greatest strengths. It has taken me almost my entire life to realize that though.
Like if you're crying I'm crying, if you're jumping up and down with excitement, I am most likely doing the same. If you're hurting, I'm hurting with you and if you're happy I feel it and embrace it. 
The same goes with my babes. I feel so much for them and with them that sometimes I'm emotionally drained at the end of certain days because of higher levels of emotions due to whatever took place on those days.
I realized that more than just being their mama, they are like my little companions making my days worth living out. I know that sounds dramatic and I understand that I have a God who loves me who I am really living for but you get what I mean, right?
These two tiny people bring so much joy even on the hard days. 
They keep me company and are starting to become my little helpers. My friends.
As I watch their personalities blossom into their own, I also see their little minds growing and learning new things each day. I can't help but get that lump in my throat as I stop and take in that these moments won't be here forever. That each of them have their own path to walk and God has a specific journey and adventure laid out for each of them.
As I feel this shift in our relationships becoming closer to one another, I also feel this huge shift of my heart and this new overwhelming sense of responsibility to make sure that these two hearts, the most important little beings in my life will desire to follow Jesus and love Him with their whole being. 
I know that ultimately this will be their own choice and pray that they will see a tangible relationship with Jesus as Micah and I live out our lives for Him. I pray that they will see we're human and that sometimes mama will get upset or that I will make mistakes but that the God we love covers us in grace and that His love never fails, no matter what we do.
I want them to know that as much as I could possibly love them, God loves them so much more and that is hard to imagine, but it's true.
I have always treasured this road and journey of motherhood. I never wanted to be anything but a mama growing up, so it's like a dream to live out what my heart had always desired.  Now when I'm with them, watching them or interacting with them, tickling them or even reprimanding them I can't help but truly understand what a privilege and honor it is to have been chosen to be their mama. These sweet tiny beings were entrusted to me. Me?!! Nat, an undeserving sinner who needs an outpour of God's good grace every. single. day was chosen to raise up these two amazing little people. 
I just wanted to share what I have been feeling as of late and that even though this whole journey can get messy and even hard at times I couldn't imagine traveling along without Micah and these sweet babes by my side. 

5 comments:

Kelsey said...

You have such an incredibly kind heart and it's truly inspiring for me. The other day my fiance and I were talking about kindness in people and how it's so rare to come by, and you were actually the first person that came to my mind! <3

Meg @ The Coop said...

I totally understand! Brodey (my oldest) will be five this year! I can hardly type that without that lump appearing in my throat. FIVE! And I find myself just studying him every day. Figuring him out. What kind of man will he become? I ask myself daily. What am I doing to point him towards God? Is it enough? He's losing his baby face and looking more and more like a young man every day. It is a deep feeling. But I know how blessed I am and I don't take one single day I have with my babies for granted. Isn't God good?

Kenzie @ Life According to Kenz said...

This post is just beautiful. :) I love you and your little people! If I'm ever in Cali... Please let me babysit your precious littles for a few hours... :)

xoxo!

molly june. said...

i love you. and feel the same way! being a momma is the greatest gift God can give. you're an awesome one, nat :) xo!

Mandy DeTurk said...

Beautiful, I hope to someday be a Mama with your heart.