Toxic Fears

Today during my Soul Detox devotion I was struck by the question it asked 


How have you seen your toxic fears influence your actions and thoughts?


only to realize this is something I have dealt with this past year and had been facing head on while going through the Psalms with my women's bible study.


remember when I asked for prayer because I would be sharing what I learned from the Psalms in front of what seemed like thousands of women 
(it was really two hundred or less, but that was still a lot more than I have EVER spoken in front of)


Well, I thought I'd share what I shared with those ladies because it really sums up my devotion this morning. 

Hi there, I’m Natalie Ensor and I was in Chanele’s group this year. When she first asked me to share I was all for it. It wasn’t until I sat down to write what really ministered to me through the Psalms when I started freaking out. Not because I was nervous about speaking in front of everyone, that was a given, I even prayed the Lord would come back today…twice.

It was the idea of having to cram all the Psalm goodness that saved my soul this past year into just a few short minutes.

You see this year was one of the hardest years of my life. Physically and emotionally. Through studying these Psalms I could see God working in me and transforming my heart. He softened my will so that HIS would be done. He had lifted the bricks that once laid across my chest, which left me heavy laden for far too long. I thought by letting him lift those bricks from me I was abandoning all. My past. My failures. My insecurities. But I realized I was so so wrong.

Though I felt lighter from the load being lifted-- I held onto those bricks, my burdens and fears and one by one stacked them up to build a wall. I hid behind that wall. It was safe. I was comfortable hiding.

I could be happy with just my Lord, husband and babies there. No need to let anyone in. I mean no one understood what I was dealing with and no one felt how I felt.

Or so I thought anyway.

Feeding myself these lies only left me feeling alone and helpless. Though I called on the Lord daily and dove into His good word I wasn’t receiving all that I could because of the wall I had built up.

There were days I just wanted to pack up our little family and move out to the country. Away from it all. From everything the enemy was using to take hold of my thoughts and feed my fears.

But studying the Psalms and meeting weekly with these beautiful women in my group --opened my eyes to what needed to change. My thought process needed some major reframing. I needed God to help me take my thoughts captive. I needed to surrender all. In doing this I realized I needed to let him break my wall down.

My comfort zone had to be shaken. My hiding place needed to be in Him not behind this wall. With each Psalm and study I grew, and with that each brick was being removed. And pieces of me were exposed. This terrified me at first but God made it ever so real while going through these studies how much He loves me and how my friends and family love me for who I am not some image I tried to be.

As we studied the Psalms I learned how I related to theses psalmist. We saw how whether they were in pain, going through trials or just in a time of peace they all Praised God in whatever state they were in.

I learned that it is necessary to Praise through the pain, because once we acknowledge Him and take our eyes of ourselves the pain doesn’t hurt as much and the struggles don’t seem as hard.

I came to understand that God is bigger than my circumstances. He already knows the outcome and will always be part of the end result.

Psalm 139 was just ONE of the Psalms that really spoke to me. How David speaks of God knowing us personally through and through. How we are fearfully and wonderfully made.

I love in verses 23 & 24 of this Psalm where it reads “Search me, O God and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts.

See if there is any offensive way in me and lead me to the way of everlasting.”

David is asking God to test him, to know what he is thinking and feeling and to rid of any wicked way in him.

That made me want to dig deeper into God’s goodness , It gave me a new desire to have a pure heart because like David I was being tested and for the first time I truly  soaked up that God not only knew it but understood. He understood my hurts, anxieties and the lies I was feeding myself.

What ministered to me the most through the Psalm studies this year was God’s truths. Ladies,  HIS truths really did set me free. God’s promises are so real and that has become enough for me. 

I hope you are following along with us in the #SHEREADSTRUTH community. I recently shared about it here and how we're reading through a 35 day plan titled Soul Detox
you can learn more about it here. 

I personally have been so blessed by each devotion. It seriously is such a refreshing study with not only life application but making you dig deep and ask yourself to seek within and really detox your soul.