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processing

Tonight I jumped on the computer to download pictures off my phone because it is full and I needed to free up some space.
As I look through the past few months of photos I can't explain what I'm feeling but feel like I need to quiet my brain.
It is almost midnight and I had no intention of writing but everyday since I don't know, say three months ago I have been telling myself I will write a blog post... or write in my regular journal but I haven't done much of either.
I'm really good at processing things better when I write them out. So needless to say, I haven't been doing well at processing my day to day and have started to feel overwhelmed with emotion as of late.
Even now. Right now in this moment, when no one is needing my attention, as I listen to the white noise of the babes sound machine accompanied by the deep breathing of Micah sound asleep I can't shake this anxious feeling. But of what exactly, I couldn't tell you.
There is so much I need to be doing but then I can't think of what to start with but then none of the things I thought I needed to do seem important...does that make sense? There are things I need to check off my list but then I don't really have a list just a running tab of things I want to accomplish. Then there's so many ding dang emails I need to respond to and yet I just sit here scrolling through photos instead. Trying to take a moment to let it all settle in to my soul I guess.

You see, since returning from our European Anniversary trip (which I still need to post about...sigh) I feel like I've been running with my thoughts instead of sitting with them. There hasn't been a moment to take it all in and so the good, the bad, the heavy, the light hearted, the messy and the mundane have all been mixed together and piled up day after day leaving a wasteland of emotion for me to sort through.

And of course I haven't the time to sort through it all which basically is a perfect catch twenty-two situation I have on my hands.
I know what you're thinking; "prioritize your time better", "take things off your plate", "get a stinkin' family calendar already so you are all on the same page..."
Really, it isn't about having too much on my plate. It's more about having too much on my mind and carrying stuff in my heart.

I have been trying to be very intentional with my time and filling my days with very little since Elsie started pre-school. We haven't really adjusted to the school schedule because Elsie hasn't really adjusted to pre-school in general. So my time with her afterward plus my time with Vernon while she is at school has kind of become my selfish time with each of them. 
I will say, Elsie hating pre-school hasn't helped my emotional state and so it only adds to what I already have piling up and so here we are back to me feeling anxious, tired and ready to sift through all I have swirling around in my head ultimately because I need to make more room for Jesus in my heart. 
I understand that even if I don't get the chance to process all that has been going on for months I know it is necessary to just dump the things I can't change or go back and fix. Not a sweeping it under the rug type of thing either (ain't no body got time for dat) I mean literally just dump some of these piles I have collected in order to fill that space with His truths instead. 
So much harder to actually apply that to my life. I know what I need to do, yet I still feel heavy hearted and that's because I know it's not an overnight fix but something I need to continually work on. Like errday.
I need to be filled with the spirit.
Praying the scriptures, reading the word, hanging with people who point me back to Jesus and encourage me, not leaving empty space in my heart or mind to be filled with anything other than His truths.
Even as I'm typing I'm nodding my head "yes" like this is new news, but really I just haven't been disciplined to make sure I'm CONSTANTLY doing these things and was using a million excuses of why I didn't have time when really I just wasn't making time.

I need to say it just for the sake of saying it but I really am okay. I'm good but just in a weird place right now with all my thoughts and words tangled together in a way that I can't quite share what God is and has been teaching me. He is working things out in me which is always a good thing and I know that. 
For now I wanted to post these pictures from this past week while we were visiting Micah's parents in Ruidoso, NM for the Aspen Festival. It was so beautiful and felt so much like Fall my heart almost bursted everyday we stepped outside! Such an amazing time soaking up all the family who came to visit and just unwinding from our normal day to day.

So I know this post was totally random and you basically just listened to me give myself a bible spanking but let's just go with it mmmkay. 


3 comments:

kassandra said...

just saying stuff sometimes makes it all the better, I hope that it has relieved you some. I don't like to give advice but just like to say in you feel it's right there is nothing wrong with stopping pre-school. I've been wandering around no man's land as one of the few mothers who doesn't send her child to pre-school... but it just wasn't for us. My mother constantly tells me that everyone catches up in the 3rd grade and we do do our own version of learning for an hour every morning (or every other). If you don't feel it's right please don't feel like you have to do it. If you do feel it's right then it will work out no matter what because our God will care for E no matter where she is.

bloobirdvintage said...

I feel ya girl! I just take a one step at a time, when I feel overwhelmed, and stay in the moment. After all, I have to start somewhere and I am only one person. It's about making life count towards our own personal happiness :)

Jessica said...

Yes. Amen. Hallelujah. I'm with you in so many of the same ways. Not as a mom, but as a wife. And a girl. With a full heart. And an anxious mind. Just yes to all of that.