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let me be singing

Right now instead of wearing my slippers out here in the cold tiled sunroom, I'm barefoot. Bundled in my cozy leopard blanket with a space heater pointing at my feet. As I hear the lull of She & Him's Christmas album in the background and I sip my cinnamon vanilla tea I find myself... tired. 
I just laid Vernon down for bed but before I did, felt myself drifting off to sleep as he snuggled into me on the rocking chair. The house is now quiet. Micah is at church with Elsie and I can feel my heart feeling heavy and I can't quite pin why.

You know how we go through seasons of life. With or without babes we ALL go through different seasons and changes. I have talked about that many times on this blog.
I have talked about when going through very difficult times in my life how I have learned it is necessary to Praise God through the pain. It's easy to praise God on the mundane easy and regular days but when the poo hits the fan or when faced with heavy things it's harder to lift that weight off of our chests to be able to open up and Praise Him, truly praise Him. It's harder to take our eyes off the situation at hand and raise them back up to Him, but once we acknowledge Him and take our eyes of ourselves the pain doesn’t hurt as much and the struggles don’t seem as hard.
I realized through blogging that you only get glimpses of each others lives. 
I don't share everything and lots of times I want to share but I hold back.
I recently was telling a girlfriend how we are in one of those seasons where it's just easier to be home with the babes. 
Elsie is super shy and overly sensitive and so play dates or any get togethers with little ones are rare for us, but that is not new news. Vernon, however, is all over the place right now and is definitely at a point where his lack of communication with words means instant tantrums or meltdowns and so we are working on that.
I don't like to talk about that stuff ever because I don't want to sound like I'm complaining nor do I want this to become a space where I talk about the hard stuff that happens on the day to day.
I want to uplift and encourage. That even happens most days for myself when I focus on all the many blessings I have. When I look back on daily photos I see the good in the day not the bad. So that is what I want to document. What I want to remember. 
I don't want to be perceived as a mama who doesn't love what she does nor do I want the moms with more kids than me to roll their eyes and say "cry me a river" if I talk about having a tiresome day.
I realized something though. I am tired and that's okay. I'm a mama with little ones who need 110% attention right now throughout the day and who are almost completely dependent on me. I love that they need me and that I have the honor and privilege of being their mama, but that doesn't mean I can't be exhausted by it. 
I think I have let the enemy creep into my thoughts recently which make me feel like I am not a good enough mother because I want to just sit and drink a cup of coffee while it's actually warm or that I would like to go to the bathroom without everyone in there with me. 
I love my happy chaos. I love that my babes are attached to my hip. I love that I have a husband who is just as tired from a long day of work and so after playing it up with the kids doesn't mind just crashing on the couch and watching a show while I stitch because this is just the season we're in. All hands on deck when everyone is awake and then crash hard when the house settles.
I know this post is all over the place. I think it's just that as I'm processing my emotions from this past week.
I had kind of an epiphany today. Sort of. 
I realize that this season we're in, one where my sweet babes are needing much rearing and guidance. One where things need to be explained over and over or even showing why we don't say certain things or touch certain objects. In the midst of it all I was struck with this heaviness of how big the responsibility is in raising them right. Teaching them what to say or how to do things is one thing but actually showing them with our own actions and choice words is what they are really picking up.
I know that in this time of me rearing and teaching them, God is really rearing and teaching me.
He is showing me how to display love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. 
The same fruits I want my children to grasp and learn are the ones I am having to put into practice almost every minute of the day. 
I get angry with myself because I want it to come naturally but on the days of early rising and crankiness it's a lot easier said than done. 
In all the hardships in life or much greater things I've gone through I made a conscious effort to be Praising God through it all. I find that in motherhood, maybe not so much. I stop and pray all the time but today, today something changed for me.
While Vernon was screaming at me because I took the pen out of his hand that he had been scribbling on the wall with, I instantly started humming the praise song "Oh how he Loves us" But I was humming loudly so I didn't get angry at the situation at hand. I had dinner that needed to be tended to and now Elsie was crying because like she said "Vernon is too loud mama"
So there was just a lot of noise and as I was walking past Elsie humming loudly to go and calm Vernon down she said something through her tears.
 "sing it mama"
I stopped and looked at her and asked what she meant.
She said don't make the noise sing the words. 
What she was asking was for me to actually sing the lyrics. The words. Not just hum it.
It stopped me dead in my tracks.
I went and grabbed the iPad and put the song on. 
And we praised Him. Together. And Vernon stopped crying and came into the kitchen and watched us sing as I finished making dinner.
My once screaming toddler was now standing spinning in a circle and giggling as the worship music played and I thought what a perfect picture of my sinful heart. I can be having a complete meltdown over something so small and the next be cheerful and singing a praise song. 
I'm so grateful this day for our God and His never ending love and mercy and think if he looks at me and smiles like I did at Vernon, on the days where one minute I'm crying into a pillow and the next I'm up skipping and singing. I want to make a more conscious effort to do that first rather than the meltdown. How much easier to work through whatever we're going through if we're just constantly praising the one who will forever hold our hearts. 
I already feel the weight of my heavy heart being lifted as I type. Knowing that those lies I was feeding myself were making my tired mind heavier and so in the moment it all seemed amplified. I just know that I am so so loved by a God who is so so good and
 "What ever may pass and whatever lies before me, Let me be singing when the evening comes"
And with that long random post, I say Happy Friday. Hope your weekend is fabulously blessed. 

15 comments:

Brooke said...

Love you little black hat! Totally adorable!



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Lindsy said...

I loved this. With two little boys I've been utterly run into the ground with exhaustion lately. And I've felt guilty for it. But maybe I need to take it for what it is and slow down. I just was so encouraged by this. Thank you!!! :-)

Lotus Blossom said...

great honest post xo love the pics. Every morning before my feet hit the ground I say this verse Psalms 143:8 xo have a great weekend

Ashlee @ Growing Up A Thomas said...

Wow. I needed this today. Literally just finished a full on "adult tantrum" and I sit here now in tears - convicted. My first reaction was definitely not the right one. Thankful we have a forgiving Father who gives grace! And with His power, I will do better next time.

the hollie rogue said...

loved this. my son is also in full tantrum mode and i'm at a loss for how to deal with it. we should put our heads together sometime for solutions. thanks for sharing your real heart and know that many of us have the same thoughts. Love you!

Andi

Lindsay k said...

Thanks Nat, I really needed this today. With two little boys running around, there is always chaos. It helps to read how other Mommas deal with the day to day.

YolandaR said...

I love how Elsie asked you tp sing!

molly june. said...

dang girl. SO good. i love your heart. and i love hearing how God speaks to you all the time. you're are such a gift to me (and an awesome momma too!) :) hope you know that.

Loretta said...

Sang this song in church this morning and thought of you. One of those songs that you can really belt out and feel in your soul. :-)

Lotus Blossom Design said...

Beautiful! Beautiful! Beautiful!

XO!

Erin said...

You are so wise, girl, and I love your heart! Such an amazing mama and an example to gals like me! xoxo

Hailey said...

great pics :)

Anonymous said...

Beautiful! My babies are all grown up but you captured every mothet's inner conflict. With simple words. Thanks

Lisette @ Northern Belle Diaries said...

What beautiful pics! I love your little boy! So handsome! I can't wait to have a little boy of my own. Visiting and following from the GFC blog hop.

Micha said...

let me be singing when the evening comes should be the anthem of all mommas. great post, thank you ::)