reflection

As we're approaching Vernon's 1st birthday over here in the Ensor household I can't help but reflect on this past year. How Vernon's entrance into our world was during a time of stress and confusion. How after having him I only became more stressed and confused.
This weeks posts will be dedicated to Vernon, my pregnancy and life that came after.

I never really spoke about my pregnancy. Not just on my blog but to anyone in real life either. So I thought I'd share now.

I wish I could say that is was a joyous pregnancy. One I delighted in, but it wasn't. It was a time filled of loneliness and anxiety. Completely opposite of my pregnancy with Elsie. Hers was beautiful. A new chapter, New life. Excitement. Joy. I think my comparison of the two only fueled my sadness and feeling of disconnect while pregnant with my lil' man.
We had only just moved into our new home months prior and that was still something I was transitioning into.
During my pregnancy there were a lot more downs than ups. Too many pregnancy complications to count and two miscarriage scares. I also lost my grandfather to Parkinson's disease, a great-grandmother to old age and my brothers and sister-in-law were all in a near death car accident. That accident was one of the scariest moments in my life. After hearing the news of the accident we raced to the airport and caught the next flight to Michigan. We had no idea if they were alive upon arrival. They were but my younger brother was hanging on by a mere thread and was covered in a multitude of prayers that week. Due to the amount of stress. I cramped. I bled. I cramped and bled some more. We were certain we had lost our baby. After my brother was breathing on his own and moved out of the ICU we felt it safe to leave.

this pic is still hard to look at, such a scary time

When we returned home a week later I immediately saw my OB and was rushed into a labor room with fears of pre-term labor. I expected the worst. Thankfully after all the test were done and my nerves were settled I was assured that miraculously the baby was okay even after the amount of blood I had lost. I was put on temporary bed rest.
I laughed at the thought of bed rest. With Micah working so much and all my friends and family living an hour or more away from us I knew there would be no resting in a three story house and an 18 month old little girl I needed to take care of.
We canceled my birthday and a few other events we had planned to eliminate any stress. That just made me more depressed.
A few weeks later I cramped and bled again but this time a little worse. I died a little inside that day. Then it happened again. Our baby checked out fine but was told there was too much stress on my body and that I NEEDED to slow down.
That was the last thing I did.
I started sewing again. Crafting. Filling my every moment with something so I didn't have to think about this pregnancy, my loneliness, how Micah was working harder than ever and though excelling and climbing the ladder at his job left us, his girls, feeling second or even third on his list. It wasn't intentional, but it still hurt.
I made sure to keep myself distracted and tried hosting as many craft boutiques during the months of October through December.

In the midst of all the business Micah was offered a position in New Jersey. Yes, New Jersey. I tried to be supportive and excited but was freaking out inside.  He is the leader of this house and he knows I not only Love him to the moon and back but would follow him there too. He has always sought God's will and hadn't led us down any wrong paths thus far. So I trusted, and waited.

The same week of the New Jersey news I received a call directly from my doctor saying they found something and I needed to make the earliest appointment for an ultrasound. When I went for my appointment I was actually led to another office on a different floor for extensive ultrasound readings with a surgeon. I wanted to die... again. I thought I was there because of one his intestines measuring too big but in fact it was because there were clear signs of downs syndrome. After two hours of checking and me holding down the vomit rising from pure fear I was told that everything checked out fine. Well the baby checked out healthy PRAISETHELORD but I did in fact have muscle tearing throughout my stomach and there were a few hernias detected. He informed me that I would have to have surgery on them before or after he was born. ummm, wow. So wait. The baby is fine, but I am jacked. Okay I could live with that. Or so I thought.

These family photos were the closest things I had to maternity shots. I was six months pregnant though you could hardly tell.

Within a matter of days I could barely lift my hands over my head and was instructed not to pick up or even hold Elsie because of the hernias. Umm, ya. I didn't listen and by the end of my seventh month could barely walk. I found out that those fatty balls of excruciating pain along my stomach were lipoma NOT hernias and no surgery would be needed. Though I could barely move, I was beyond relieved.
Oh and by the way New Jersey fell through as well as a few other offices that were offered to him during that time. My frustration with his company and his will to please them grew daily. Especially the day I found out we were moving. Not to another state but to a house closer to his office. We agreed that him showing up five minutes before bed time wasn't working and that something needed to change. I wasn't used to this Micah, he was different. He was driven but by his work. Not by God and his family. He will admit to that now. I never told anyone during that time because he is so precious to me and I didn't want him to be looked at in a bad light.
Though I was excited to move closer to his office I was heartbroken to be leaving this house that we had just moved into TEN months prior. We sold our first home to move here and now we were moving again. What for? For a job that he wasn't even sure he wanted to continue with? I was so confused.
I became more depressed with the idea of having to move from this place Elsie and I had made our own. Our daily walks to the coffee shop, almost daily trips to the beach, my view of the beach from the house.

Okay Lord please give me the strength. I prayed this often.
I started packing up the house and my memories. I wished I had taken more photos during my pregnancy but there were hardly any. I decided I would get maternity photos done before we moved into the new house.
Except the move came and with that move came Vernon. A month early.
and that my friends will have to wait for a post of its own.