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The Mini Pumpkin Cheesecake that could

I had originally intended this to be a step by step tutorial (with pictures) on how to make these scrumptious mini pumpkin cheesecakes, but  there was so much that happened in between and after that well, the pumpkin cheesecake has a supporting roll in this post, actually it is more like a walk on extra with a one line bit. 
I had recently been going back and forth on whether I should attend my upcoming bible study which was actually a night of fellowship and getting to know one another rather than an actual study. This should have been a no brainer for me seeing as how I have been praying to meet new people in my area, and longing for a "community" of friends near by.
I was still undecided the day of but went ahead and thought I would make the dessert I signed up for just in case I changed my mind and decided to go. 
Side note: I still have been having a rough go and haven't felt myself, hence the head games I was playing on whether or not I should even go. 
As noted I had a really rough week and the day of study was no different, even worse actually. I'd go as far as saying one of the worst emotional days I have had in awhile.
I planned my day accordingly to be able to bake the dessert and not be stressed but regretted the minute I started prepping that I had signed up for a dessert because I always put so much pressure on myself to make something amazing because baking has always been my "thang". In reality these days being a momma and trying to be a good one is my new "thang"
This should've been an easy recipe. All I was doing was tweaking my regular recipe and adding pumpkin, adding cinnamon to the homemade whipped cream and toasting some praline pecans for topping. 
Again this should have been easy until you factor in me being extremely emotional, nursing and feeding Vernon, potty training (and with that running to the potty every 5 minutes!!), dropping Don off at the groomers, lashing out at my precious baby girl for having another accident and then feeling so guilty you cry with her for about an hour, all the while feeding myself horrible thoughts of self doubt and what a horrible mother I am.  
Oh and then when I feel my day couldn't become any more of a sob fest Elsie is complaining about her lady parts which would explain her frequenting the potty every few minutes and me realizing she may have a UTI. So now my guilt is immeasurable and I can't stop crying as I call the doc only to be told I need to bring her in at their next appt slot. 
Oh did I mention that with Elsie's second accident (the one when I yelled at her) was when I burnt the first batch of cheesecakes, because I was cleaning up the mess, starting a laundry load from the accident and trying to get Vernon to go back to sleep from all the commotion. 
You would think that after returning from her Dr. appt that I should of just quit while I was ahead and stayed home but Micah thought it would be good for me to get out of my element and prayerfully have my spirits lifted, so to speak. 
I fought against every ounce of my soul to get in the car and actually go. But I knew if I stayed home I would lay on Micah's chest and wallow in my own self pity. And to be honest, I was tired of crying.
So while throwing on clothes I set my KithchenAid to mix up the whipped cream and toasted the pecans in the oven while the second batch of cheesecake bites chilled in the fridge.
Fast-forward to me pulling into the church parking lot ready to get out when I realize I left both the whipped cream and topping at home. 
ARRRRRE YOU KIDDING ME?! 
Now is where you think I would've put the car in reverse and drove home. But nooooo, I fought with myself about bringing in these gross naked looking bits of dessert convincing myself that they won't notice they need a topping even though there is a 1/4"gap from cake to top of cupcake liner.
So after I muster up enough strength to hold back my tears I get out of the car, I walk about five steps before the handle of my platter snaps and my little cursed pumpkin bits go flying all over the parking lot. 
I  literally yelled out loud "Really Lord, Really?"
As I looked down at this tragedy, two beautiful sweet gals walked up behind me and helped me pick them all up assuring me that they were still fine and threw away the ones that actually touched the ground. Mind you, I am crying. Not tears only crying but like a crazy person laughing, then crying and then laughing again because I can't believe this just happened and I told them that because the desserts were so ugly that it was for the best that they had fallen. And just as I stood up with every intention of walking back to my car and heading home one of the gals said "good thing there is so much room between the cheesecake and the top of the liner or else none of them would be edible, but not one actually touched the ground."
There it was. That reminder. The light. What I needed in the midst of my darkness. Shining through so evident that I knew at that moment I desperately needed to be at this service. I didn't want to, but my soul couldn't deny the pull. So I walked in, handed my disastrous tray off to the hospitality women and sat down for a fun food prep presentation which wrapped up and went into a time of worship.
(this image is so beautiful, isn't it)
Real Worship. Like where you have no breath left to sing and a heart that is aching, so all you can do is lift your arms with opened hands to the one true great healer. Knowing that if I open my mouth to sing I would have been a blubbering mess. Yeah, it was that kind of worship.
Then a guest speaker gave her testimony which only convicted and challenged me in such a good way that my burdens felt instantly lifted and knew what I needed to do. From this day forward. Is pray. Without ceasing.
This beautiful speaker was followed by the one of the best dinners and company that I have had in a long time. To think it was with a bunch of gals I hardly knew. I don't think I have laughed that hard, and had been that honest in months. MONTHS!
God knew exactly what my heart needed. He knew what I needed to learn. He knew. HE knew. 
And though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death, I now know that they are just shadows which can't harm me, only my fear of them can and will keep me from achieving greater things HE has planned for me. HE is with me and I need not to fear.
So yes my day ended well, and if I had it to do over I would... so very differently. In those times of weakness, I would've prayed, when the frustrations at hand seemed to hard to handle, I would've prayed.
And though sometimes I feel like what I'm going through is so much smaller than what other people are dealing with, I will still pray. Pray to be freed, to have my heart be filled with HIS great love and know that my big may seem small to others but not to Him. He feels my pain and can comfort me. And with that knowledge my heart is already so much lighter.
...but because of these pumpkin cheesecakes my weight will be anything but that.
 But like I say, 
"No day is complete without a tasty treat."
and on this day my friends, I had plenty.



5 comments:

Kate Snow said...

Oh goodness, I love this post. I laughed with you, and laughed AT you, and then I felt bad for laughing, and then was so happy for you at the end. Even with the bad, that sounds like a God-blessed good day. Thank you for sharing.

The Ward Family said...

Potty training and taking care of a baby and making this fabulous desert? You write really well, it probably feels good to get that out! It's nice reading your posts. A lot of the days I feel that way (nice to know I'm not alone) and it is only through Him I press forward and look to tomorrow! Love ya Nat!

Cassidy Robinson said...

I LOVE THIS. Thank you for being real and showing how the Lord works even in our struggles. This was beautiful to read!

Ashley said...

Nursing... Yep...potty training...yep...blubbery lonely mess...yep... I do believe we're the same person:)
Can we please just be friends now?:)

Heather Hawthorne said...

I totally know those days... and guess what, it's ALWAYS the days of bible studies! My hubby and I lead a study every Tuesday at our house and we now just brace ourselves, because without a doubt those days are the longest, toughest, days. I know it's because the enemy doesn't want us getting together to glorify God.

You are doing awesome and I'm happy to find your blog.. I'm gonna go read around some more now. :)

♥Heather Hawthorne

{A Mom Without Facebook}